Abby's! at the Disco

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I'm in that mood again today.
That mood where I'm not in a mood.
I'm not in a happy mood.
But I'm not gonna cry about it.
I'm not bored.
But I don't really care.
I have a song stuck in my head.
But I don't want it to leave.
Because, if it leaves,
I'd be left alone with me.
And I hate awkward silences.
What would I say to me?
Would I ask how I am?
No.
I'm afraid of what I will say.
Would I ask what I want to do?
No.
Again, I'm afraid.
I don't know what would happen if I was left alone with me.
Would I like me?
Or would I wish I could change me?
Would I be funny?
Or stoic and boring?
I know I wouldn't like me if I was boring.
Or would I?
Would it be a nice change?
Would I prefer myself that way?
Would other people prefer me that way?
Would I care what other people think?
I don't now.
Or do I?
Do I care what people think?
What do I think?
Do I care what I think?
I think I care what I think.
But I'm not sure.
About anything really.
I'm not sure about religion.
I'm not sure about politics.
I'm not sure about other people.
I'm not even sure about me.
Or am I?
What if I am sure about things?
What If I'm so sure abut everything that I'm not sure about anything.
Is anyone sure about anything?
Or is everyone sure about everything?
Everyone seems sure about everything.
Everyone seems sure that their religion is the only right one.
Everyone seems sure that their opinion is the only opinion that matters.
I don't seem sure about anything.
I really annoy myself sometimes.
I think I enjoy annoying me.
I enjoy annoying other people so wouldn't it make sense that I enjoy annoying me?
I enjoy all kinds of things.
I enjoy making people laugh.
I enjoy making me laugh.
But then I appear insane.
I think I like appearing insane.
I like a lot of strange things.
I like walking backwards in the rain.
I like singing to the stars and listening to what they sing back.
I like imagining what life would be like if everyone walked on their hands.
I like imaging that, deep down, people know what's truly important.
I like imaging that the world can be a better place.
I like beliving that there is good in everyone.
I like trying to help others find who they really are.
Which sounds ridiculous because I don't even know who I am.
But maybe I do.
Maybe I know exactly who I am.
Maybe I'm everything I think I am.
I think I'm funny.
I think I'm smart.
I think I'm beautiful.
I think I can make a differance in someone's life.
I think I'm laid back.
I think I'm easy to talk to.
I think I'm many things.
But I may not be who I think I am.
And even if I'm not who I think I am,
I know who I would like to be.
I would like to be the one people come to when they're hurting.
I would like to be the person who doesn't judge.
I would like to be the person who could make anyone laugh.
I would like to be wise.
I would like to be brave.
I would like to be selfless.
I would like to be strong.
I would like to be able to tell you who I am.
But, sadly, I can't.
At least, not until I can tell myself who I am.
That is the real problem, isn't it?
Will I ever know who I am?
Does anyone ever know who they are?
Is the answer hidden in countless hours of thought?
Or is it right in front of our noses?
So plain and obvious that it is impossible to see?
If everyone in the world knew who they were though,
I don't think the world would be as fun a place.
There would be no more people changing their hair color every month.
Fashions wouldn't change.
T.V. shows wouldn't change.
Ideas would cease to exist and life would lose its flair,
And people would be stuck in a routine that never changes.
Because there would be no need for change.
People would know who they are and what they like and no one would ever try new things.
Unless, that is who they are.
I guess, in a way, I like not knowing who I am.
It keeps the spontinaity in life.
I don't know who I am or what I do and don't like,
And so I have permission from the Universe to keep trying new things.
So keep your eyes open wherever you go,
Whether it be the cheesy 70s roller disco,
or even a goldfish farm.
Because I may be there.
And why not?
I'm still getting to know me.

posted by shanfan5690 at 11:56 AM -

1 monkeys in the barrel:

At 9:44 AM, Unknown said…

Just came across your blog while browsing. Neat way of putting those nagging yet perturb questions in your mind into words; even I have problem organising my thoughts. (haha!) Guess you must've read alot too (especially philosophies).

Ah well, it'll all work out when the time comes. daijoubu desu.